Protagonist

its only two days. and god's telling me i shouldnt be alive in the first place. being more than contented, i take things for granted. i should forgo my passion and interests because of this family. 19 years of life. ive been waiting for this moment. but its so near yet so far. always, when something happens, i always thought of leaving this house for good. am i wrong in the very first place to pursue my passion that im not supposed to? why others are able to do it but not my family. havent i be good enough not to take a single cent from them for my own expenses? havent i be good enough to pursue my education just to allow his wish to come true. but everything, makes me seemed lost. i feel like crying out loud. i feel like listening to the loud thump of having my body landed on the ground from afar. im at lost. i feel like... seeking help from her. my tears are flowing like a river writing this. who can i seek help from? none. not any of my friends. i cant think of any names. im lost and all alone.

i thought im always one bright and matured one to think about family, as compared to my friends. perhaps im too naive to even think of that. perhaps im just the same as what some of them were, spoilt brat. forget it. nobody is going to understand. in the midst of me stressing out, i felt that i'd rather die than to stress out over something im caring for my family yet people doesnt feel it. why, is everybody against me.

in conclusion. i this they hate me.

passion is expensive.

you ponder and wonder, when will be your turn.

oh great. i forgotten when was my last post. this shows how long ever since i last posted. back to the point. i spent a wholly sum of one thousand seven hundred and ninety nine bucks on my passion. nineteen years of life, its been a dream come true. but why am i so unhappy about it. or having second thoughts to buy it at that very point of time. this shouldnt be. it seemed to be affecting me so much now that it took over everything im thinking of. its e melancholy mood on me that passion is so expensive without the support of my dearest parents. not on monetary terms.

i realised today. on my nineteen years of life, that i have been emphasing so much being successful in my education life that i forgo so much time on my interest, hobbies and the much said passion. my entire life, was always revolving around books, something that i couldnt excel in.having said much, i could have spent it on my passion instead. with the disagreement from my parents, i never once fulfill them. not even one. i ended up having a life i do not like. and ended up being utmost unsuccessful than i could ever be, doing things i dislike.

genes was inherited by my parents. none of them were musically or artistically talented. but why me. i loved the fun of playing my great old cello, picking out the skills effortlessly after not playing it for half a year, loved the blissfulness of looking at how people play the violin and my beloved piano. loved the merriment of taking photographs of people and environment we lived in. loved the contentment of looking at fashion and clothes done by individuals. loved ecstasy in designing pieces of wearables since i was young. but i stopped all these happiness for one thing i claimed to be successful, education. it seemed to be smooth sailing, but im at lost now.

first time ever in my life i'd spent this huge amount at one go, on one item, on my own. nope, im not going to regret. its something i would love to have for in my entire life. but whats coming up next in the house, god knows.

i always thought that i have changed. and people seen it. in my character and cantankerousness. but it all seemed wrong. people still do not understand me and discriminates my character for who i am in the past. i hate these stereotyping. cause it turns my effort in vain if people do not realise it. social etiquette and speech is difficult to change i must admit. but i dont see the reason why people are not willing to accept the new me, just because my etiquette and speech prevail. behind my thoughts were everything they didnt know. true friends who didnt know about me. i was really upset today, because i thought they'd knew.

give me directions

suddenly, in split seconds, her world crumbles beneath her hands. im lost. really lost. education life has been smooth sailing to me throughout the years. today, i realised god's still trying to be fair to me. he's telling me that you will only gain with the amount of effort you've been putting in. but yet, im lost. really lost. clueless like what amina said. i felt that my world crumbles for the very first time. i have no place to go. i dont know what to do. i stared blankly for 2 hours. thinking. of whatever i dont know. its an indescribable feeling. my heart dropped. to the point where i do not have the strength to pick it up, such that it may stop beating anytime. im really screwed, at the most important period of my life.

i need directions. please help me.

what a day. 06032009

i thank cass for accompanying me thoughout. and mabel for her wonderful aid.

thanks. for giving me wonderful 19 years.


a good old 19 years i have spent. it wasnt spent exactly how i wanted it to be. but heck. someone told me. i can have birthday everyday if i choose to spend it well. i have this uncanny belief in my entire life. to make wishes once the clock strikes midnight. and i always do. as usual this year. i yearn for 5 desires this year. oh gawd. please grant them to me. =)

was strolling down my aged neighbourhood i have grown up in. some changed. some leave no stone unturned. many of the people i saw can be considered as people in my fond childhood memories. today. i realised the fact that i have been increasing my pace of walking as years goes by. i felt abreeze when i paced myself slowly, observing how things around me worked, moved, happened, in their very own way. the first time after so long i wasnt affected by how people think about me. or how i think about other people. if only i can persist this thought with me, i might have lived happier.

we often take things around us for granted. for what people know, ignorance is bliss. true for the short run. people, even though this have been reenacted countless times by friends, tv programmes, or drama series. but yes.. this is the fact. so many friends wished me a warm happy birthday. including some that i do not know well. im starting to realise that  i have always been living in my own world. selfish, self centered chap. my world revolved around me. thinking of how i wanted it to be and i always wanted it to be that way. there, i doesnt give a damn to my friends or family's feelings. but only mine. lets take birthdays for example. other than my own birthday, close friends and family member's birthday... i dont give a damn about others birthday. but today, i have learned to appreciate. yes. appreciate. somethings like love, we shouldnt expect for returns. but its different in this case for care and concern.

so tell your friends and family members how much you loved and treasure them. (:

my very first post in my 19th birthday.
happy birthday to you, rebecca.
love yourself, and family and friends around you.
i also wish i can have my parents by my side for every birthday i have in my life.

my almost lover

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

love can be so frustrating at times. not to mention the trust over there. im probably tired of singlehood. though its only a short 10 months, life is getting bored over me. streaming down the streets looking at couples, one after another. my mind filled with jealousy. certainly, this emotional rival seems to be taking over me. let alone the enviousness, i managed to calm myself down with his philosophy. the importantness of believing in fate. not to push things do far, not to force macrocosm to act towards our desires. this, i told myself not to hurry. so as not to land in the woeful plight i gave to my previous, you know who. yet, at some moments, initiating fate is mandatory. you know what i meant.

thinking of which, wondered why love has such powerful feeling on mankind. when will i meet my almost lover. (im not desperate or inconsolable) just ranting. to see, to meet, to be lovers are the obligatory stages. but first, who wants to fall into this plightful bottomless pit. like too much romance movies and novels we've read. how the lead actors or actresses, how the protogonists grapple over a particular love. and definitely, we forgive ourselves for first, for being to naive in allowing to step into the pit. then, forgive our assumptions to be made on any particular estranged we had on our relationships. it made us guilty of doing so, even though questioning makes us have doubts. the foolishness coerce us into acts that seemed to transform us entirely. we were so hopeful of fairy tale endings. but it always not at all happens.

marriage was thought to be a decent solution in the past. it makes this bottomless pit way shallower. but who knows revolution takes place. which makes everything seems so unreal. women also became the weakest link in this era. to be solely engulf in men's predomination. we took part in how women fought to be stronger than men, yet, it still fails.

love, how fate makes us worry. leaving our mind entirely to fate creates uncertainess and hastiness to make things work faster. we would never want things to be slow, and steady. even though we know thats the best way to attain the fairy tale like endings. we should be thankful to our almost lover for showing the way to oue true self. and now, im approaching the realization of the truth.

my birthday wish next year will be the same one as the previous year. same to my new year resolution. apart from wishing for good A's results. a post xmas greetings to you. santa's probably missing me out this year. he's finding me a nuisance.

my almost lover

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

love can be so frustrating at times. not to mention the trust over there. im probably tired of singlehood. though its only a short 10 months, life is getting bored over me. streaming down the streets looking at couples, one after another. my mind filled with jealousy. certainly, this emotional rival seems to be taking over me. let alone the enviousness, i managed to calm myself down with his philosophy. the importantness of believing in fate. not to push things do far, not to force macrocosm to act towards our desires. this, i told myself not to hurry. so as not to land in the woeful plight i gave to my previous, you know who. yet, at some moments, initiating fate is mandatory. you know what i meant.

thinking of which, wondered why love has such powerful feeling on mankind. when will i meet my almost lover. (im not desperate or inconsolable) just ranting. to see, to meet, to be lovers are the obligatory stages. but first, who wants to fall into this plightful bottomless pit. like too much romance movies and novels we've read. how the lead actors or actresses, how the protogonists grapple over a particular love. and definitely, we forgive ourselves for first, for being to naive in allowing to step into the pit. then, forgive our assumptions to be made on any particular estranged we had on our relationships. it made us guilty of doing so, even though questioning makes us have doubts. the foolishness coerce us into acts that seemed to transform us entirely. we were so hopeful of fairy tale endings. but it always not at all happens.

marriage was thought to be a decent solution in the past. it makes this bottomless pit way shallower. but who knows revolution takes place. which makes everything seems so unreal. women also became the weakest link in this era. to be solely engulf in men's predomination. we took part in how women fought to be stronger than men, yet, it still fails.

love, how fate makes us worry. leaving our mind entirely to fate creates uncertainess and hastiness to make things work faster. we would never want things to be slow, and steady. even though we know thats the best way to attain the fairy tale like endings. we should be thankful to our almost lover for showing the way to oue true self. and now, im approaching the realization of the truth.

my birthday wish next year will be the same one as the previous year. same to my new year resolution. apart from wishing for good A's results. a post xmas greetings to you. santa's probably missing me out this year. he's finding me a nuisance.

Can i have you?

love is just like a bar of soap;once you think you've got it, it slips away

i knew i was slow in my posts. have been indulging in none but my wonderful relaxing lifestyle these few weeks. have not enjoy enough yet to seek a new job also. prom was really a nuisance. i did really last minute shopping on my heels and accessories. but am proud of myself for putting myself up. prom was awesome. as in the whole night was really cool and fun. hang out with the malaysia gang as usual, which made it even more exciting and hilarious. did somethings that i have never done before. approached my eye candy for pictures whom i barely know. the fast beating heart was racing during the photos were taken. but who cares. it was a memorable night. always.

apart from that, i went genting and KL with the usual malaysia gang. stepped out of the country without my parents with me for the very first time. i was blessed to have such wonderful friends with me for the trip. otherwise, some unhappy events happened throughout the entire trip till today. didnt want to touch on it much.

guess what. joanna cass and me decided to come up with something. i think i'll be busy over that thing. but heck, i'll still be into my routine exercises and chilling out regimes. now that im free, please people, call me out. expecially for christmas and new year. (i hope it'll be you)

the longed feeling that i yearned for is back. to talk to someone you like, you wonder why.we have barely known each other, but that feeling inside me was unbearable. i wished i could have know you earlier. i wished. i stood by the railings, looking at each couple walking by. i was once deeply in love, doing something synonymously. that feeling was long gone. i felt the butterflies in my stomach, after knowing you even more.

all i have to do is shout!

ITS OVER! (:

Have you ever wonder who will walk the aisle of life with you?

one who prevaricates, realises more lies are being made to cover up the mendaciousness

perfectly over. the ordeal is finally near end. one who thinks that he could not make it some day, is the weakest link. sometimes, you disdains these people from being the root cause of impeding progression. yet, never expect YOU to be part of the community. looking at how people dealt with my life and their lives around me, the disconsolate emotions evoked right from the very bottom of my mind. and by streaming down the busy street alone, the mind full of these cogitation, certainly does not make you feel any better. hopefully there's just this one fine day, thou shalt not think of the consequences.

in collaborating the eagerness and excitement to mark the end of this ordeal amongst all of us in material terms, i believed it can be bigger than the plastic soup. but who cares. whatever has been done, is done. i mean... unless you have a time machine to revert the so called precious time back. otherwise, goodness. u'll be stucked in the era of being remorseful, for not studying hard enough. and yes, i am learnong how to move on. and i know how it really feels like, to feel the impending doom now.

i had told my friends this, the tears to be collected from my post papers can be used to film 'one litre of tears'. it has never in my life that i had scold so many vulgar words during the paper, cried as if the sky's dropping after a paper, mourn over a unsuccessful attempt after a paper, did silly stuffs and indulge in a divine praying regime. and come on, who does all of these in the same exam. yes, im not ranting~

goodness. i hope the days of holidays will pass even more slowly. i would like to seek a hedonistic lifestyle for this holiday. yes. my very first commendable break after 12 years of education. (:

and people, put your hands up and say hi with a warm hug to my holidays!

and gosh. argh. prom is such a nuisance!

DANCE: a powerful black and white photo that evokes the wonder of dance


design life with your mighty hands, paint it like the wonders in the world.

upon seeing you, my heart skipped a beat. the smile that you had put on your face sent that message across to me. the nostalgic feeling evoked right inside my heart. gazing at your back ask you walked past, i was recollecting the memories you gave to me. those words that gave me hopes and those days when u were right beside me, canvassing on post A's activities. i wished i didnt think of those, just upon seeing you.

wasnt in my tip top condition to study these few days. apparently, i got carried away by certain exuberent events and stuffs. forcing myself to accept the reality doesnt work at all. because im still living with the fact that, im not accepting to the 30 days res gestae. many people will be better off than me. but that brain of mine still doesnt mill the wonders.

damn the A levels.
im getting a lil sick of singlehood.

title: your kisses cant hold
this piece narrates my love for cello.

ESCAPE. from your incapacitation

i didnt mean to have my journal sound emotional or dispiriting. otherwise, i wouldnt named my journal 'sanguinity'. well, thinking that i might be able escape from these nightmares after a mere 40 over days, these days are certainly laborious to escape. i dont expect myself to make full use of this period, otherwise i'll not be here. but at least i told myself to try my best. despite the fact that im not interested in anything im studying now. however, today was a real break down. infront of my mum. didnt mean to even cry. but the suppressed feelings ignited. hoping that i could have a listening ear, obviously, im erring this time. names flashed back in my mind, with that poignant feelings inhibiting the ability to think rationally, i just couldnt find someone to really confide in.

these days, tension have been very high. we are liable to go cranky over a simple thing. i did, and im trying to control. the fact that i REALLY seldom lose temper as compared to the past, now, losing that irascibleness seemed to be anormalous. really.

yesterday was my very first time playing back my cello after months. i thought i couldnt even sight read now, but ta daa! im blundered again. not only i can sight read, i even learnt new piece. it was a utmost satisfying experience. ^ ^ however, i attempt to play 'the swan' which was unsuccessful. but i shall try again. this time, hopefully on piano.

lastly, god bless me in my revision. i need a lil lady luck by my side.

gleamed for hope

the past does not determine the future

she was hoping for gleams of hope. at that very moment, her heart dropped, upon receiving the results of her most confident subject. out of expectation, the verge of tearing up the scripts, screaming loud over her defeat, was swirling around her damn head. speechless as its suppose to be, looked up and glanced over the auditorium, she sensed that she have the need to control her damn emotions. her brain was as blank as it could be while anticipating for the next segment of her self claimed hopeful subject. she took it, flipped, the red evilish marks was scribbled in the box. FUCK was the only word she shouted, threw that damn papers away as if it wasnt hers. tears flowed, heart dropped once again.' there' she says, 'im doomed'

tears rushed out of the eyes, trying all her ways to control them from streaming, but it seems no avail. all she could do was to sit there and daze with the spoilt tap. friends around her was consoling, despite the fact that they didnt do well too, but yes, they were consoling her. now, she is very grateful to them. she mull over the same incident that happened to her last year, the fact that the exact history was reiterating again, she was utmost unsatisfied. one, herself, who still did not repent over the same mistakes. that first script returned was that bad. she did not hope for else more later.

the rest wasnt that interesting as the first, she accepted everything with that empty heart. all she could get was a pass. not even up to her standard she had set for herself. looking at everybody else, she was a little better as compared to them. for the first time, she passed the subject she worried most of, the subject she deemed to be hopeless gave her a ultimate surprise. but none of her results hit a C grade. that was how bad her prelims was. as stress as it could be, her pressure and emotions build up, just like a well shaked canned coca cola waiting to get exploded upon opening.

conclusion was, the subject that she hoped most gave her a ultimate fail grade, the rest she passed, but was those that just scrapped through. she wondered how much or how far she can still get. she, once again, gleamed at the hope, admiting she is stupid, and stupid enough to go JC.

she glurpped the rage and resentment down into her gullet with sushi, together with her friends vanessa and winnie, who didnt do well either, infact, worse than her. she know she need to be sensitive in words towards them, at this point of time, where those tensions was really high. everybody could just go cranky over the slightest things. thank goodness the dinner served to be a self consoling session for us. but back home, that congruent emotions and feelings recurred. ashamed.

that was what happened to me today. that melancholy mood on me. :'(

two more months, exactly seven weeks from now, i wonder what kind of difference i can make on my results.

Route: have you decided on your route?

what is the definition of friendship?

always easier said than done. many of the things in life have always been fulfilled by saying ' i'll do it' but many of times, you fail to really complete the tasks set infront of you. you guys are going to sulk... because i have been repeating this over and over again in my previous posts. well... at least thats what im feeling right now.

walking down the path, looking back at the memories, its where i have been living for the past 17 years. i failed to recall when was the last time i walked the same path. the vivid pictures of me helping mum to carry those bags when i was young was still in my mind. now, walking alone, i wished i havent grown up. but it was mandatory.

(remember to take a look at your surroundings when you are alone or undisturbed. think and analyst their reactions and movements. its a wonderful mental exercise and experience to notice how the world behaves. (: at least its something i love to do.)

im sicked and tired of people pestering me. damn.

i think i should eat more vegetables. yes, i love vegetables, hated meat. but i must eat even MORE vegetables. feeling lethargic without those leafty substances perking me up! (:

cass messaged me to ask me out for a meal today. i was elated. but somehow, the forgotten fact that five of us were no longer the same as before. when as the last time the five of us actually sat down for a talk, gossip or a meal? i cant recall at all. i forgotten that cass and jas were having cold war. well, for what reason i cant remember too. all i know that, im glad im mature enough to put down everything and accept cass that time. somehow, its really saddening to see them behaving like that. those days when we were together, without any resentment in one another. well, you cant sit there and expect things to happen. someone has to make the first move. and i have seen cass making the moves in the past before. jasmine, why cant you let the past rest... im sure you cannot even remember the exact reason why you two have fallen out.

those tractable emotions have began to be surpassed by those evil sentiments. i had the thoughts of giving up a few times before. but i just know i have to determine on my OWN.

Nguyen Huu An (left), 5 years old and Nguyen Thi Than Tuyen, 3 years old with their mother in Huong Xuan near Hue. The father lived in the Agent Orange infected province Song Be.

abstain yourself from moving towards beliefs. regretful would be the key

three days have past, i seemed to be doing what i need to do. but somehow, im still brooding over my choice of going to a JC. its such a nuisance having to command myself to deviate from these evil mentality. the fact is, i just cant help it.
these days i should be gaining more confidence over As, but im facing the contrary. with days getting nearer, im finding myself planning ahead for my future education, not to the university but the poly. why the hell im doing that.

with some other thoughts, im finding myself hard to believe. what if results proved that vanessa will score much better than me such that it can allow her to get into university whereas im left hanging in the mid air. those days when we planned to go poly or private university together became a blank pledge, or conversely, what if this happens to her. how would each other feel? i wouldnt want another incident like mabel to happen again. the only thing i can tell myself is to strive harder than people. if only this were to be made easier.

skimming through the message that dad sent over and over again, im heart and faith dropped. trust were shattered. it makes me feel even more worthless in studying something really abhorrent. i feel that i could have just died that time. but im proud of the way i controlled my emotions. no flaring of temper, no tears, i just took his words emotionlessly. if only he could know me better, i wouldnt do something stupid and having the need to lie to them at this point of time. to them, im just a moron. he's thinking that im with a group of friends, meeting up and 'claimed' to be studying. sad to say, he is always wrong. the fact that im only with vanessa, studying by ourselves, even on a seperate table. technology was invented to at least prove something to my dad, but he refuse to acknowledge it. (i wanted to use 3g tech to show him what im doing and stuffs... but he may still think its all staged up.) yes, i have this negative dad, who fail to give encouragements thoughout all these years. those hurting remarks.

i would definitely want to prove to him that he maligned me. but somehow, the lack of confidence failed me in doing so. especially the fact that i know im going to screw up my prelims BADLY.  that is why im feeling the immensed pressure on myself.

(i have no freaking idea whats wrong with the different font size)

title: imprisoned


生命的价值不在于形体, 是在于生命怎么活下去.

hampering with our beliefs, have you ever wonder what are your beliefs? i believed that as long as i study hard enough and get contented with my results, i shall pursue my dreams(what are they i dont know), get a career, settle down earning big bucks, and get a man. my dad also shaped this belief that i must get into JC and get As out, inorder to secure you a decent and well paying job next time. but all these seemed to be a facade after today's lecture. mr tong emphasized this issue that beliefs and values cannot be married. i was a lil convinced by the fact that he deemed paper qualifications are not essential for a triumph in career. but im sure most of our parents moulded the fact likewise. but i still have this strong belief that we need the myriad certs inorder to, in the first place, get employed. unless you got that business mindset to start out your own business and stuffs. reading yesterday's newspaper shocked me a little. the monthly salary of a private banker can earn up to $200K. what an occupation. it allows them to lead a super luxurious life with minimal worry over world's inflation or price hikes. but the price of that, to be on call 24/7, to be your clients part time assistant, maid or slaves in layman term. would you yearn for such a life?

i was dreaming over my future after reading this article. if only i can earn big bucks with minimal effort. well, i was indeed dreaming. or rather, earning and securing a highly respectful position in my career. they are envision. perhaps i should stop dreaming and get back to reality. i need to score for the demanding As.

im begining to fall in love with photography. like those being put up on my posts. i think they have great significance over lifes and moments. it helps us to broaden up our perspectives over issues such as people, culture, animals, world. you wouldnt want to be confined in just this little red dot. hope this photos will brighten up life a bit.

looking at the women at home, i began to fear that i would become the slave of my man next time. each and everyone of them were to be regarded as wifes or rather, free unpaid maid. looking upon them acquiscing over demands from the men, it makes me wonder, why in this modern society, lil traditionalism still exists, even in the house. despite singaporeans being thought to treat each and everyone equality from young, women were still being perceived as the weakest link in the world. or rather, shall we question our pledge? it only says, 'regardless of race, language or religion'. thus we shall forgo the gender and hope for equality in everything. well, some may argue that its a domestic issue overhere as not every family does what my family does. however, im very sure, most of them does. otherwise, we would have at least equal number of females in workforce, lesser housewives, househusband perceived as a trend(rather than them being tagged as man who licked women's boots) why cant this simple theory be inauguarated in singapore? if only my house can be more open, for me to voice my cogitative opinions.:(

somehow, theres a limit to everyone's patience. my character was not synonymous as compared to the past. and i wouldnt want you, to test my patience. its just irksome.

Natural and earthy, brown's warm tones are familiar in nature—think of rough tree bark, fluid mudflows, and dense animal fur, like that of the Kodiak bear pictured above. The color, which represents wholesomeness and earthiness, also shows up in man-made goods from clothing to chocolate.

suffer now, enjoy later VS enjoy now, suffer later

its a waste that mrs lee was not present today. i went to school because of her. it wasnt as fun as i expected. the muay thai boxing regime was boring. but i did it anyway, with my super aching butt.
come to think of it, it was really intriguing to see my ex classmates and teachers. i missed the cordial feeling after stepping into the school everyday for assembly. give me a chance, i would have enjoyed secondary school days even more. glanced at the parade square, recalling the draining footdrill sessions and parades i had on the ground with my friends, the days when i took the rifle and trained as color party for speech day, the days when i shed my tears, the days when i fainted on the ground. it was really filled with many hardships and tears that i had gone in my life. most of my friends hasnt changed a bit, some were well... off. but one was still as pretty as ever. looking at her reminds me of the good old days, when we went out to chill together, with some others. those heart felt talks in class, those singing sessions we always had. i wished i had these in my jc life.

miss tan (mrs audrey chua, tagged on her card) was still as cute as before. with little joy (her expecting child's name). hard to imagine this small framed teacher to be pregnant. she always seemed to be blur and cute at times, and yes, she's expecting. her due date was a few weeks from now, and she actually invited us to her child's first month celebration. hundred smiles in me. glanced over her desk, i saw this photo hanging at the side of her cubicle, it was our class photo taken on her wedding day. no other class or students' photo was placed around her. now, i know how much we meant to her. another guy whom she said was from my batch (i couldnt recognise a bit of him) was asking her why didnt she invite him to her wedding. then, i realised once again, she really loves us. yes, she was my motivator. i cant help thinking the day when i got back my results, her smile she put across her face when she tell me 'good job'. it was because im one of the few who scored an A in chemistry.

ms leon on the other hand, i really missed her. its a pity that she had tranferred to NYG. we couldnt get to see her. she was 406's mother. remembering the days when she was checking the length of my skirt, forcing us to take our ponderous textbooks home, punishment she imposed on us for not doing homework (3 rounds of the school field's perimeter) were hilarous. i almost dropped at the very moment when i heard she was going to be our second form teacher for the last year. but, all these were secondary. she made me realised how strong being a girl should be. she said this to me when i was on the verge of dropping Amath ' an idiot can take the exam and get a F9. you are not an idiot, why would you want to be one since you studied so much?', she said these when i was crying over my results ' you must be strong, especially when you are a girl'. she changed me. yes, she did. she is such a wonderful and smart teacher. (:

had a ardent session with mabel. it has been a long long time since we last talked to each other. despite us being in the same school. we were still confiding to each other as if it was the past. a hedonic talk about her guy. and has been a long time since i have given my friends advices. i wish i could do that more often though. most importantly, we promised to meet up soon for a parley. she can really be a good friend outside school context.

A teenage worker uses dye-stained hands to hold a tangled nest of red yarn. The boy lives in Khulm (formerly Tashkurgan), Afghanistan, a town noted for trade in sheep and wool.

you control your emotions, not your emotions control you

pissed. not with the fact that im tired. sometimes people just do not know where is the limit to one's patience. in this case, my family. family is always ought to be somebody to be there to support you whenever you are down, giving utmost encouragement and advices. but im certain that this is not cognate in all families. having to live in such life that oppose to your analogy is difficult. to face them everyday makes things worse. leaving behind only memories that you disfavor.
these two ITE guys whom happened to sit near me while im studying in macs the day before said this.
' the percentage of jc students getting into the university is 50%'
how far do you agree? it strikes a bell in my head. it makes me think, to get into univerisity seems easy, but to compete with so many other JCs and polys, it makes me think that my percentage is less than 10%, based on my results now.

In August 2005, Hurricane Katrina survivors in New Orleans' St. Bernard Parish await rescue on a roof spray-painted with messages to loved ones. Wrote history professor Douglas Brinkley: "I had felt immune to the disaster. ... Then this simple image of the forlorn roof, not at all graphic, cut like a knife. For painted in white on the rooftop was the simple saying: 'Love You Kid.'"

hold infinity in the palm of your hand, and eternity in an hour

its the first day of post prelim. the feeling of having to study and mug still lingers around my surrounding atmosphere. yes, she knows she need to buck up and strive. much especially after the prelims, the feeling of having to sulk and grumble over every single paper still perpetuates.
if only i studied, if only i have more time, if only the questions were being set easier, if only i did not make that stupid mistake, if only i am not careless... if only i had a time machine, i would not even choose to study in jc. sometimes, it just made me feel that im too stupid to make it to the university. or rather to survive in jc. i could have been better off if im in poly. seeing friends who strived in poly after they dropped out of jc makes me sad. really upset. whatever it is, no more choice B given to me right now.

planned to buy cass and mum's birthday prezzie yesterday, but obviously i failed. was out with vanessa's class. joined them for their mini class outing. yes thier class outing. i dont really know them other than vanessa. but anyway, friendship doesnt come without you initiating right. but their really an interesting bunch of friends. then it makes me wonder, why cant my classmates be like them. super saddening.

we all went to haji lane. walking down the aisle, looking at all the water opium shops, it makes me seriously wanna try it out. well, maybe some other days. but what really interest me was not the water opium shops, but this massage parlour owned by china bitches. jeremy si yuan and jordan actually went up to ask for a massage. and guess what? they were not even decently dressed. and you dont expect this monopoly to provide you decent massage business. they ran down as if they saw some monsters up there. i could have join the fun. i will ask if there's any guys instead.

after that, we were still not satisfied. so we went further down the aisle hoping to spot other massage parlour. but sad to say, none was avail. but that wasnt the end. me jeremy siyuan and jordan went in this pub. yes, im the only girl. incase you are wondering, they other guys and girls were standing outside. this wasnt any ordinary pub. when we opened the door, scandily dressed woman were dancing right in front of us. they looked like filipino or thai woman. and they were so enthusiasted upon seeing they three guys walking in. of course, i stood outside initially. and these girls actually asked me to go in and dance with them. what a night. after this, we actually planned to go geylang. of course, in continue to search for our massage parlours. but time and body doesnt permit us to continue exploring.

upon seeing him on his sister's blog, the nostalgic feeling was over there. but not any lamentation. but certainly reminiscence.

it was three weeks ever since i last exercised. i was feeling more and more lethargic but i went for a gruelling badminton session today. yes, with jordan si yuan jerald jeremy and some others. ya, not my classmates once again. but fun.

mum was watching this taiwan drama series now. and this stupid drama is so sickening. the actor was dying. but it took him near 20 minutes to die. wth. after he died, his mother cried with mucus and saliva all over her face and dripping all over. grosteque.

anyway, happy birthday mum. (:

Message to Self
Photograph by Jodi Cobb

A fresh tattoo spells out Joaldo Souza's allegiance to a state of mind and body that humans just can't live without—love. No one knows exactly how to define it, though scientists are trying—identifying hormones associated with different stages of love, from starry-eyed infatuation to long-term attachment. As for Souza, visiting New York City for Gay Pride Day, he definitely knows what love feels like. "It just makes me really, really happy," says the Miami resident, caught up in the tumult of a new relationship. Why the tattoo? "To remind me to love myself first"


to see a world in a grain of sand, and a heaven in a wild flower

how nice to see this phrase. it reminds me of the unfortunate, who struggled to survive. today, standing here, many of us ponder on how to get out of the situation or thinking of all sorts of ways to banish the obstacles set in front of us. but the simple thing they should do there is to treasure god's gift.

wondering why would i need to recollect my thoughts in this manner. thoughts that sometimes friends around me do not understand, thoughts are relative or controversial, thoughts that are unexplainable in speeches. whatever it is, im resetting up a journal, for only close friends to visit. (: