Protagonist

its only two days. and god's telling me i shouldnt be alive in the first place. being more than contented, i take things for granted. i should forgo my passion and interests because of this family. 19 years of life. ive been waiting for this moment. but its so near yet so far. always, when something happens, i always thought of leaving this house for good. am i wrong in the very first place to pursue my passion that im not supposed to? why others are able to do it but not my family. havent i be good enough not to take a single cent from them for my own expenses? havent i be good enough to pursue my education just to allow his wish to come true. but everything, makes me seemed lost. i feel like crying out loud. i feel like listening to the loud thump of having my body landed on the ground from afar. im at lost. i feel like... seeking help from her. my tears are flowing like a river writing this. who can i seek help from? none. not any of my friends. i cant think of any names. im lost and all alone.

i thought im always one bright and matured one to think about family, as compared to my friends. perhaps im too naive to even think of that. perhaps im just the same as what some of them were, spoilt brat. forget it. nobody is going to understand. in the midst of me stressing out, i felt that i'd rather die than to stress out over something im caring for my family yet people doesnt feel it. why, is everybody against me.

in conclusion. i this they hate me.

passion is expensive.

you ponder and wonder, when will be your turn.

oh great. i forgotten when was my last post. this shows how long ever since i last posted. back to the point. i spent a wholly sum of one thousand seven hundred and ninety nine bucks on my passion. nineteen years of life, its been a dream come true. but why am i so unhappy about it. or having second thoughts to buy it at that very point of time. this shouldnt be. it seemed to be affecting me so much now that it took over everything im thinking of. its e melancholy mood on me that passion is so expensive without the support of my dearest parents. not on monetary terms.

i realised today. on my nineteen years of life, that i have been emphasing so much being successful in my education life that i forgo so much time on my interest, hobbies and the much said passion. my entire life, was always revolving around books, something that i couldnt excel in.having said much, i could have spent it on my passion instead. with the disagreement from my parents, i never once fulfill them. not even one. i ended up having a life i do not like. and ended up being utmost unsuccessful than i could ever be, doing things i dislike.

genes was inherited by my parents. none of them were musically or artistically talented. but why me. i loved the fun of playing my great old cello, picking out the skills effortlessly after not playing it for half a year, loved the blissfulness of looking at how people play the violin and my beloved piano. loved the merriment of taking photographs of people and environment we lived in. loved the contentment of looking at fashion and clothes done by individuals. loved ecstasy in designing pieces of wearables since i was young. but i stopped all these happiness for one thing i claimed to be successful, education. it seemed to be smooth sailing, but im at lost now.

first time ever in my life i'd spent this huge amount at one go, on one item, on my own. nope, im not going to regret. its something i would love to have for in my entire life. but whats coming up next in the house, god knows.

i always thought that i have changed. and people seen it. in my character and cantankerousness. but it all seemed wrong. people still do not understand me and discriminates my character for who i am in the past. i hate these stereotyping. cause it turns my effort in vain if people do not realise it. social etiquette and speech is difficult to change i must admit. but i dont see the reason why people are not willing to accept the new me, just because my etiquette and speech prevail. behind my thoughts were everything they didnt know. true friends who didnt know about me. i was really upset today, because i thought they'd knew.

give me directions

suddenly, in split seconds, her world crumbles beneath her hands. im lost. really lost. education life has been smooth sailing to me throughout the years. today, i realised god's still trying to be fair to me. he's telling me that you will only gain with the amount of effort you've been putting in. but yet, im lost. really lost. clueless like what amina said. i felt that my world crumbles for the very first time. i have no place to go. i dont know what to do. i stared blankly for 2 hours. thinking. of whatever i dont know. its an indescribable feeling. my heart dropped. to the point where i do not have the strength to pick it up, such that it may stop beating anytime. im really screwed, at the most important period of my life.

i need directions. please help me.

what a day. 06032009

i thank cass for accompanying me thoughout. and mabel for her wonderful aid.

thanks. for giving me wonderful 19 years.


a good old 19 years i have spent. it wasnt spent exactly how i wanted it to be. but heck. someone told me. i can have birthday everyday if i choose to spend it well. i have this uncanny belief in my entire life. to make wishes once the clock strikes midnight. and i always do. as usual this year. i yearn for 5 desires this year. oh gawd. please grant them to me. =)

was strolling down my aged neighbourhood i have grown up in. some changed. some leave no stone unturned. many of the people i saw can be considered as people in my fond childhood memories. today. i realised the fact that i have been increasing my pace of walking as years goes by. i felt abreeze when i paced myself slowly, observing how things around me worked, moved, happened, in their very own way. the first time after so long i wasnt affected by how people think about me. or how i think about other people. if only i can persist this thought with me, i might have lived happier.

we often take things around us for granted. for what people know, ignorance is bliss. true for the short run. people, even though this have been reenacted countless times by friends, tv programmes, or drama series. but yes.. this is the fact. so many friends wished me a warm happy birthday. including some that i do not know well. im starting to realise that  i have always been living in my own world. selfish, self centered chap. my world revolved around me. thinking of how i wanted it to be and i always wanted it to be that way. there, i doesnt give a damn to my friends or family's feelings. but only mine. lets take birthdays for example. other than my own birthday, close friends and family member's birthday... i dont give a damn about others birthday. but today, i have learned to appreciate. yes. appreciate. somethings like love, we shouldnt expect for returns. but its different in this case for care and concern.

so tell your friends and family members how much you loved and treasure them. (:

my very first post in my 19th birthday.
happy birthday to you, rebecca.
love yourself, and family and friends around you.
i also wish i can have my parents by my side for every birthday i have in my life.

my almost lover

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

love can be so frustrating at times. not to mention the trust over there. im probably tired of singlehood. though its only a short 10 months, life is getting bored over me. streaming down the streets looking at couples, one after another. my mind filled with jealousy. certainly, this emotional rival seems to be taking over me. let alone the enviousness, i managed to calm myself down with his philosophy. the importantness of believing in fate. not to push things do far, not to force macrocosm to act towards our desires. this, i told myself not to hurry. so as not to land in the woeful plight i gave to my previous, you know who. yet, at some moments, initiating fate is mandatory. you know what i meant.

thinking of which, wondered why love has such powerful feeling on mankind. when will i meet my almost lover. (im not desperate or inconsolable) just ranting. to see, to meet, to be lovers are the obligatory stages. but first, who wants to fall into this plightful bottomless pit. like too much romance movies and novels we've read. how the lead actors or actresses, how the protogonists grapple over a particular love. and definitely, we forgive ourselves for first, for being to naive in allowing to step into the pit. then, forgive our assumptions to be made on any particular estranged we had on our relationships. it made us guilty of doing so, even though questioning makes us have doubts. the foolishness coerce us into acts that seemed to transform us entirely. we were so hopeful of fairy tale endings. but it always not at all happens.

marriage was thought to be a decent solution in the past. it makes this bottomless pit way shallower. but who knows revolution takes place. which makes everything seems so unreal. women also became the weakest link in this era. to be solely engulf in men's predomination. we took part in how women fought to be stronger than men, yet, it still fails.

love, how fate makes us worry. leaving our mind entirely to fate creates uncertainess and hastiness to make things work faster. we would never want things to be slow, and steady. even though we know thats the best way to attain the fairy tale like endings. we should be thankful to our almost lover for showing the way to oue true self. and now, im approaching the realization of the truth.

my birthday wish next year will be the same one as the previous year. same to my new year resolution. apart from wishing for good A's results. a post xmas greetings to you. santa's probably missing me out this year. he's finding me a nuisance.

my almost lover

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

love can be so frustrating at times. not to mention the trust over there. im probably tired of singlehood. though its only a short 10 months, life is getting bored over me. streaming down the streets looking at couples, one after another. my mind filled with jealousy. certainly, this emotional rival seems to be taking over me. let alone the enviousness, i managed to calm myself down with his philosophy. the importantness of believing in fate. not to push things do far, not to force macrocosm to act towards our desires. this, i told myself not to hurry. so as not to land in the woeful plight i gave to my previous, you know who. yet, at some moments, initiating fate is mandatory. you know what i meant.

thinking of which, wondered why love has such powerful feeling on mankind. when will i meet my almost lover. (im not desperate or inconsolable) just ranting. to see, to meet, to be lovers are the obligatory stages. but first, who wants to fall into this plightful bottomless pit. like too much romance movies and novels we've read. how the lead actors or actresses, how the protogonists grapple over a particular love. and definitely, we forgive ourselves for first, for being to naive in allowing to step into the pit. then, forgive our assumptions to be made on any particular estranged we had on our relationships. it made us guilty of doing so, even though questioning makes us have doubts. the foolishness coerce us into acts that seemed to transform us entirely. we were so hopeful of fairy tale endings. but it always not at all happens.

marriage was thought to be a decent solution in the past. it makes this bottomless pit way shallower. but who knows revolution takes place. which makes everything seems so unreal. women also became the weakest link in this era. to be solely engulf in men's predomination. we took part in how women fought to be stronger than men, yet, it still fails.

love, how fate makes us worry. leaving our mind entirely to fate creates uncertainess and hastiness to make things work faster. we would never want things to be slow, and steady. even though we know thats the best way to attain the fairy tale like endings. we should be thankful to our almost lover for showing the way to oue true self. and now, im approaching the realization of the truth.

my birthday wish next year will be the same one as the previous year. same to my new year resolution. apart from wishing for good A's results. a post xmas greetings to you. santa's probably missing me out this year. he's finding me a nuisance.

Can i have you?

love is just like a bar of soap;once you think you've got it, it slips away

i knew i was slow in my posts. have been indulging in none but my wonderful relaxing lifestyle these few weeks. have not enjoy enough yet to seek a new job also. prom was really a nuisance. i did really last minute shopping on my heels and accessories. but am proud of myself for putting myself up. prom was awesome. as in the whole night was really cool and fun. hang out with the malaysia gang as usual, which made it even more exciting and hilarious. did somethings that i have never done before. approached my eye candy for pictures whom i barely know. the fast beating heart was racing during the photos were taken. but who cares. it was a memorable night. always.

apart from that, i went genting and KL with the usual malaysia gang. stepped out of the country without my parents with me for the very first time. i was blessed to have such wonderful friends with me for the trip. otherwise, some unhappy events happened throughout the entire trip till today. didnt want to touch on it much.

guess what. joanna cass and me decided to come up with something. i think i'll be busy over that thing. but heck, i'll still be into my routine exercises and chilling out regimes. now that im free, please people, call me out. expecially for christmas and new year. (i hope it'll be you)

the longed feeling that i yearned for is back. to talk to someone you like, you wonder why.we have barely known each other, but that feeling inside me was unbearable. i wished i could have know you earlier. i wished. i stood by the railings, looking at each couple walking by. i was once deeply in love, doing something synonymously. that feeling was long gone. i felt the butterflies in my stomach, after knowing you even more.

all i have to do is shout!

ITS OVER! (:

Have you ever wonder who will walk the aisle of life with you?

one who prevaricates, realises more lies are being made to cover up the mendaciousness

perfectly over. the ordeal is finally near end. one who thinks that he could not make it some day, is the weakest link. sometimes, you disdains these people from being the root cause of impeding progression. yet, never expect YOU to be part of the community. looking at how people dealt with my life and their lives around me, the disconsolate emotions evoked right from the very bottom of my mind. and by streaming down the busy street alone, the mind full of these cogitation, certainly does not make you feel any better. hopefully there's just this one fine day, thou shalt not think of the consequences.

in collaborating the eagerness and excitement to mark the end of this ordeal amongst all of us in material terms, i believed it can be bigger than the plastic soup. but who cares. whatever has been done, is done. i mean... unless you have a time machine to revert the so called precious time back. otherwise, goodness. u'll be stucked in the era of being remorseful, for not studying hard enough. and yes, i am learnong how to move on. and i know how it really feels like, to feel the impending doom now.

i had told my friends this, the tears to be collected from my post papers can be used to film 'one litre of tears'. it has never in my life that i had scold so many vulgar words during the paper, cried as if the sky's dropping after a paper, mourn over a unsuccessful attempt after a paper, did silly stuffs and indulge in a divine praying regime. and come on, who does all of these in the same exam. yes, im not ranting~

goodness. i hope the days of holidays will pass even more slowly. i would like to seek a hedonistic lifestyle for this holiday. yes. my very first commendable break after 12 years of education. (:

and people, put your hands up and say hi with a warm hug to my holidays!

and gosh. argh. prom is such a nuisance!

DANCE: a powerful black and white photo that evokes the wonder of dance


design life with your mighty hands, paint it like the wonders in the world.

upon seeing you, my heart skipped a beat. the smile that you had put on your face sent that message across to me. the nostalgic feeling evoked right inside my heart. gazing at your back ask you walked past, i was recollecting the memories you gave to me. those words that gave me hopes and those days when u were right beside me, canvassing on post A's activities. i wished i didnt think of those, just upon seeing you.

wasnt in my tip top condition to study these few days. apparently, i got carried away by certain exuberent events and stuffs. forcing myself to accept the reality doesnt work at all. because im still living with the fact that, im not accepting to the 30 days res gestae. many people will be better off than me. but that brain of mine still doesnt mill the wonders.

damn the A levels.
im getting a lil sick of singlehood.